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Category: Personality Types

Whatcha Doing on Friday?

Posted on 06/14/17 by Dale Wilsher No Comments
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Hi everyone!

If you are free this Friday, June 16, join me on Channelmom radio as we talk about understanding the personality types of our children.

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This will be great information for you if you

  • sometimes wonder what makes your child tick
  • struggle to understand your child
  • get triggered by their behaviors
  • are curious to know why they are so different from you
  • desperately need to find a way to communicate and connect with your child

After an overview of all types, we will focus this episode on our little extroverts.

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Listen in this Friday from 1:00-1:30pm on the radio (94.7 FM), online (94.7 The Word Online) or watch us on FB Live and type your personality questions into the comment bar.  ChannelMom’s page on Facebook is:  https://www.facebook.com/ChannelMom/

 

As an extra bonus…

There will be 2 free Tip Sheets on my website for you to download, one for parents of introverts and one for parents of extroverts.

Don’t miss out!

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5 Tips for Raising an Extrovert

Posted on 09/08/15 by DaleWilsher No Comments
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UnknownShhhhhh! You’re so loud!

 

Settle down! Why can’t you just sit still?

 

Relax! You’re so bossy!

 

 

Ever found yourself getting frustrated with your child because they were too noisy, fidgety, or overbearing? Ever received less than friendly looks or comments about your child’s volume or movement? Ever felt overwhelmed by your child’s constant chatter or overloaded by their endless action? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are probably raising an extrovert, a dynamic individual energized by activity and conversation.

 

Parenting an extrovert is a grand adventure that requires a great deal of energy and an understanding of their unique strengths and needs.   While our little extroverts can sometimes embarrass us by bringing in unwanted attention, taking charge, interrupting others, acting silly or invading the personal space of others, they are the ones whose optimism, passion, and vitality will bless the world if we don’t shame them for their dynamic qualities.

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According the DISC model of human behavior only14-30% of the population (data provided by The Institute for Motivational Living) qualifies as an extrovert, a natural born leader, which makes sense if you consider that we need more Indians than chiefs. Extroverts are the doers and talkers of our world who thrive on attention, appreciation and achievement. They inspire us, encourage us, and motivate us toward our goals. They are outgoing, assertive, hopeful and inspiring. Extroverted children need their parents to recognize that their lively characteristics aren’t meant to be muffled, slowed or sedated but instead celebrated and channeled in God-honoring ways.

 

Here are a few tips for raising loving and confident extroverts:

 

  1. Listen to them. Extroverts do all their thinking out loud so by providing them with a listening ear, you can help them process their thoughts and emotions and understand their world. They talk fast; they talk loud (that is their inside voice); and they talk before they think, but talking is how they connect with people, share their hearts, and make themselves known. Get comfortable, grab a snack and enjoy their openness and honesty.

 

  1. Put them in charge of something. Extroverts need to lead, so give them something to be in control of. Let them plan a family party, organize the pantry, or be the captain of the laundry. If your child is allowed to have authority over an appropriate area of their life or the life of your family, they will be less likely to fight you for control. But to prevent pride from gaining a foothold, make sure that your extrovert knows that while they might get to be in “little” charge, you are in “big” charge and the ultimate authority in your family.

 

  1. Provide an active social life. Extroverts love people and need group activity to thrive so give them lots of access to people. Plan lots of playdates and outings where they can interact with other children. Sign them up for team sports and clubs, and say yes to party invitations. They love novelty so whenever possible introduce them to new things and new people.

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  1. Let them move. Extroverts have tons of energy and are always in motion. I remember attempting to teach my extroverts “sit time” when they were three or four years old. The hope was that with a little training, my girls would be able to sit in church or while waiting at their sister’s activities and read or color. Oh please! This exercise is for introverted children who love to sit. This never worked with my girls and I usually found them under the bleachers eating dirty Skittles that had fallen on the floor. The answer here is to put your extroverts in the nursery or hire a babysitter when you need to sit or get out and take a walk or ride a bike with them, anything to burn off the restless energy.

 

  1. Praise them. Extroverts need your attention, your approval, and your appreciation. When you see them accomplishing a task or finishing a chore, recognize their efforts. When they get a good grade or make a good decision, tell them how proud they are of you. When they tell one of their funny stories, laugh at their jokes. Make sure they know that you see them, love them, and value them every chance you get. And remind them that God feels the same way too.

 

 I am able to do all things by the one who strengthens me. Philippians 4:14

If you would like more information on how coaching can help you connect better with the extroverts in your life, contact me at dwskram@comcast.net.

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5 Tips for Raising an Introvert

Posted on 08/13/15 by DaleWilsher No Comments
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goldfish jumping out of the waterHe doesn’t have any friends.

 

She always wants to be in her room.


He’s so quiet.   

 

Ever say things like this and worry that something is wrong with your child? Most parents of introverts do.

The good news is that you can rest easy because what may be seem like anti-social, aloof, or even awkward behavior to an extrovert is actually normal and healthy conduct for an introvert.

According to the DISC model of human behavior, roughly 85% of the population possess introverted qualities. They are the thinkers and listeners of our world, the ones who need solitude and silence to function best. They are conscientious, creative, and compassionate. They are patient, predictable, and peaceful. They foster harmony, offer empathy, and bring order to the chaos of our lives.


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With all these beautiful and godly qualities, why would we ever question the behavior of an introvert? Simply put, we live in an extroverted world, especially in America and we have been influenced by our culture. In her book, Quiet, Susan Cain says that as a nation “We’re told that to be great is to be bold, to be happy is to be sociable…Talkative people, for example, are rated as smarter, better-looking, more interesting, and more desirable as friends.” These misleading messages diminish the purpose and significance behind introverted qualities, judging them as “bad” or at least “less than,” and causing us to question the benefits of introversion.

As parents it is our job to protect our kids from this negative and worldly view of themselves by teaching them about their quieter strengths and building upon them.

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Here are a few suggestions for raising loving, confident introverts:

  1. Send them to their room especially after school and other social events. Give them the space and solitude that their little souls need to refresh and renew. Provide a place for them to be silent and respect their personal space.
  1. Expect quality over quantity when it comes to their friendships. Introverts value depth in their conversations and one-on-one time with friends.
  1. Wherever possible provide ways for them to order their world, their papers, and their toys. It is extremely hurtful when younger siblings get into and mess with their stuff. Let them keep the crayons perfect. Remember that God is a god of order.
  1. Don’t abuse their compliance and love of rules. Yes, you will look and feel like a great parent when your child obeys you regularly. And yes, they will experience the blessings of that good behavior, but make sure they know that they can fail, disagree, and even break the rules AND still be loved and accepted by you. Of course there will be consequences, but they will always be loved.
  1. Point out their strengths. When you hear your introverts recounting their weaknesses, remind them that they are also deep, creative, kind, compassionate, and thoughtful. When you hear them being critical of themselves and doubtful of their social contributions remind them that they do love and help others in their own behind-the-scenes kind of way. God created introverts to reveal the softer and more sensitive side of His nature to a world that desperately needs His peace, love and understanding. Let your little introvert glorify God in the way that God designed him.

Train the child concerning his way;
even when he is old, he will not stray from it.

Proverbs 22:6 LEB

DALEBy Dale Skram
Mom of four
1 Corinthians 13 Parenting Team Member
real.life.speaker, real.faith.writer, and real.life.coach

 

Have Yourself a Very Introverted Christmas

Posted on 12/15/14 by DaleWilsher 1 Comment
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UnknownChristmas seems like an over-the-top extroverted event, doesn’t it? Holiday parties abound. Malls are teeming with people talking, shopping and getting stuff done. And Santa, the poster child for a holly jolly celebration, exhibits unlimited energy as he travels the globe in just a single night.  Extroversion at its finest.

 

As I anticipated wrapping up this personality series with the weaknesses of the Planner, I got depressed. Writing about the negatives of a negative temperament can depress even an optimistic Director like me.

 

The Planner, a highly sensitive individual, is the most moody and prone to depression. Think Jeremiah, known as the weeping prophet, who wrote the book of Lamentations. Sad, right? When living out of their weaknesses, the Planner can turn negative, pessimistic and socially insecure. So who wants to marinate in that? Not me. In fact, as I have been reading more about living an abundant life, fulfillment is more about building your strengths than fixing your weaknesses. (If you are interested in the topic, read GO, Put Your Strengths to Work by Marcus Buckingham.)

 

So instead of sending us all to depths of despair, I thought I’d focus this blog on Christmas, a much more cheerful topic, but with a nod to the Planner and also the Spectator, the two introverted temperaments. Because even though the world displays Christmas as a big, bright, blinking holiday, I think the advent season is really a quiet, soft, and slow holiday that celebrates the beauty of introversion.

 

My all-time favorite Christmas song is Winter Snow by Audrey Assad. I first heard it on Chris Tomlin’s Glory in the Highest Christmas album.Unknown-1

(Can I still use the word album? Is that too 1970s? At least I didn’t call it an 8-track. If you don’t know what that is, ask your mom, she’s probably as old as me.)

 

If you can, take three minutes and listen to it here.   You won’t regret it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpHiAmL8-b0

 

God could have made His grand entrance into the world like an extreme extrovert—as the center of attention with the strength of a tidal wave or the power of forest fire, she says

 

But…

 

He came like a winter snow

quiet, soft, and slow

falling from the sky

in the night

to the earth below

 

That humbles me.

 

Our God, creator of the entire universe, omniscient and omnipotent, came to us as a fragile baby in a remote town to poor and unknown parents.

 

The Savior of our world and our souls came in the most introverted way.

 

His arrival was “still, small and hidden.”

 

The emotional needs of a Planner are sensitivity, space and silence, the same disciplines that we all need to cultivate in order to enjoy the introverted style of Christmas. If you are an extrovert, this will be harder for you, but still necessary and worthwhile in order to appreciate the depth of the season.

 

To have a Very Introverted Christmas follow these three guidelines:

 

  1. Be Silent. Everyday, or every other day, set aside five minutes (set an alarm on your phone) to be silent. Just five minutes. Don’t play music. Don’t pray. Don’t read your Bible. (Before you think about emailing me about these recommendations, I’m not suggesting you eliminate prayer or study altogether, just for these five minutes.) Meditate on the quiet, hidden nature of the first Christmas.

 

  1. Create Space. Dedicate a place in your home where you can be alone such as a special chair, your bed, or even your closet. If you create a space, a sanctuary, where you can meet with God, you are more likely to make it happen, especially in the swirl of Christmas.

 

  1. Get Sensitive. Read the Christmas story found in Matthew 1:18-2:12 and Luke 2:1-20 several times in the next few weeks and make it the focus of your quiet times. Ask God to give you an awareness of the humble nature of Jesus’ birth.  Let Him take you deeper into the meaning of Immanuel, God with us.

 

 

If you like Christmas music, and want to enjoy Christmas like an introvert, download Winter Snow and listen to it all season long–in your car, in the kitchen, and in your room.

And have yourself a very Merry Christmas!

 

 

 

 

 

The Devil is in the Details

Posted on 11/22/14 by DaleWilsher 4 Comments

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Have you ever been to a wedding that was so elegant and beautiful that it felt like you had died and gone to heaven? Were you in awe of the bride’s perfect dress, the romantic wedding vows, or the detailed ceremony program?   Did you marvel at the gorgeous chair adornments and personalized table cards which complimented the elegant wedding favors? Were you blown away by the multitude of small but significant touches? And did it make you feel like a real loser because your wedding looked nothing like this?

 

Don’t worry. Nothing is wrong with you. You just had the privilege of seeing a Planner in action. Planners, Perfect Melancholies, “Cs” Conscientious on the DISC Model, are beautiful women with a God-given ability to think ahead and attend to the details of most any event. It’s not the devil that is in the details; it’s the Planner. These women think of everything because their brains can hold so much information and process the minutia. This talent makes them great accountants, decorators, writers, composers, engineers, doctors and lawyers. Think Martha Stewart.

 

Planners are theatrical, literary, musical, artistic, or poetic. They are our rock stars, actors, painters, photographers, singers, and musicians such as Pat Benatar or Angelina Jolie.  They are cultured and serious.  So serious in fact, that sometimes they forget to smile, like Kristen Stewart and Victoria Beckham. They make their kids play the violin, because the recorder is for Entertainers. They read classic literature instead of In Style magazine. They go to the theater, the real theater, not the one that is showing the new Hunger Games movie (btw which I cannot wait to see).

 

Planners are deep and thoughtful and champion causes such as homelessness, world hunger, poverty, modern day slavery, and animal extinction. There would be no World Vision or Compassion International, organizations which care for children around the world, without the compassion of Planning women. Planners are concerned about the problems with Ebola while Entertainers are writing stuff like this:

 

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The Planner loves order which puts her in good company. “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” 1 Corinthians 14:33 Her house actually looks like Crate & Barrel, and not just when she knows you are coming over; it looks like that all the time. If you are wondering who buys those 32-Compartment Drawer Organizers to systematize their socks and underwear, the Planner does. She loves the beauty that order and the Container Store bring to her world.

Planners are private women who think before they speak. They are constantly embarrassed by their Entertaining husbands (since we usually marry someone of the opposite temperament) and all the personal information that they share publicly. The Planner prefers to work behind the scenes using her skills to make her family, her organization or the world a better place. Also known as the perfecter, she can start to get down on herself for always seeing things negatively, and yet Jesus is a perfecter, (“the author and perfecter of our faith” Hebrews 12:2) too. A perfecter Planner has the ability to not only identify problems but to finish them as well. Planners get to work alongside God as they bring things back to life.

There is so much to love about our Planners. They bring deeper meaning into our shallow worlds. They force is to consider the wrongs that need to be righted. And they keep our check books balanced. Let the Planners in your life know that you see and appreciate their unique beauty.

In the next post, we will look at the weaknesses of the Planner, her emotional needs, and what Planner moms and kiddos look like.

Some of my Planner clients have wrongly believed that their strengths were boring and unimpressive, and not knowing how to live a fulfilling life maximizing those talents. If that sounds like you, contact me at real.life.coaching. I’d love to help you see the beauty of your design and start to use your God-given skills for His glory.


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DWSkram@comcast.net; www.DaleSkram.com; 720-233-5058

 

 

 

Where Did I Leave that Child?

Posted on 10/29/14 by DaleWilsher 1 Comment

 

Image-1Where did I put my keys?  Where did I park my car?  Where did I leave my child?  If you have asked yourself those questions more times than you care to remember, then you may be a forgetful Entertainer. And if you haven’t forgotten something or someone yet, but you are almost always late, you are definitely an Entertainer.  Forgetfulness and lateness are a couple of the ingrained weaknesses of this temperament.

 

Just as we are crafted with the specific strengths of a temperament or temperaments (many of us have a major temperament and a minor) we come wired with the weaknesses too.  Today we will look at many of those weaknesses as well as the emotional needs of the Popular Sanguine, also known as the Influencer from the DISC model, and the Otter from Dr. Gary Smalley’s Personality Types Inventory.

 

Jesus may have had ALL the personality strengths from each category and none of the corresponding weaknesses, but I am sorry to report that He is the only one.  The rest of us must manage around our weaknesses.  And as moms, one of the best things we can do is  become a student of our children and share what you learn with them.  This information will help form their God-given identity and shape their self-worth.  It will give them direction and purpose and build their confidence.  Knowing about their strengths also provides the padding our kiddos need to hear about their weaknesses without crumbling or getting defensive.

 

Research shows the greatest fulfillment in life will be found in using and developing our strengths instead of focusing on fixing our weaknesses, but if we aren’t aware of the holes in our character, those weaknesses may become obstacles that keep us from the life that we have been designed to life.  And that is why it is good to understand the weaknesses of the Entertainer.

Entertainers, especially as children, are incredibly messy.

They are always on the move, and wherever they go they take stuff with them and leave it there.   I have two children who struggle with this weakness and believe me, I have tried for years to help them with it.  But alas, I must admit that I have not had great results.  I have tried explaining the concept of organizing using the Like Goes with Like strategy: group things that are alike together.  For example pens and pencils go together, underwear goes together, dishes stay in the kitchen with other dish-type items, electronic items go together, makeup goes together, you get the picture.   And then I open a drawer to find their old phone charger tangled with a couple of dvds, some gum, a plate or two, odd socks and a cami, papers, notebooks, and my nail clippers.  A beautiful mess.

 

I have also tried to help them to simplify.  Entertainers should never have too many things or they will all end up in a pile in the middle of their floor. In addition to providing strategies, I have spent countless hours working alongside them to sort and order their mess, and still the weakness remains.  I have learned from adult Entertainers (that sounds really sketchy, but I just mean Sanguines that have grown up) that if they simplify their desks, kitchens, or family rooms they can  create an environment that is less distracting and get more done. Simplicity is an Entertainers best friend.

 

So in parenting Entertaining children I have taught them two things.

 

#1  You will need to make plenty of money working with people (which they do so well) so that you can hire a housecleaner.  Entertainers keep the house cleaning industry in business.  These daughters of mine have put that advice to work by using their allowance to hire their Director/Choleric sisters to help them.  One day my Director/Choleric daughters will hire them to do the sales and marketing as well as the social media for all of their pursuits.  Its the circle of life.

 

#2  While I love you Entertaining daughters, I must protect myself from your mess.  When my kiddos had their own bedrooms so the mess did not infringe upon the space of their roommate, I let them live like Entertainers.  And I must admit that they have quite a talent for mess.  My girls can whip up a jumble of clutter in minutes.  But because there were items on the floor that could cause me to trip or puncture my foot, I decided that I would not enter a messy bedroom in order to protect myself.  If they wanted to keep their room in a chaotic state, no problem.  I would be happy to stand outside of their room and wave them goodnight.  Oh, and if they called me to find their softball socks and deliver them to practice, the answer would be NO because I might hurt myself in the pursuit of said socks and not be able to make dinner later or drive their carpool.  The good news is that there have been days when the social needs of my Entertainers have compelled them to clean their rooms just so that I could sit on their beds and read them a story.  I like those days the best.

 

Many of the weaknesses of the Entertainer revolve around the tongue and the way they use words.

 

Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.  The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.  James 3:5-6

 

Entertainers can struggle with gossip, using the story of one person to forge a relationship with another person, because they love people and their stories.  And while that interest is nice, they can get really nosy.  Think Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched.

 

bewitchedhouse07-2 Photo Credit:  TvParty.com

 

I think the ancient people of Thessalonica were Spectator/Entertainers.  For one, Paul had to tell them over and over to get up and get to work, a common weakness of a Spectator, but also he had to warn them to mind their own business, a common weakness of an Entertainer.

 

“and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you,”

1 Thessalonians 4:11

 

In parenting this issue with my girls, I have done two things.  First I have taught them the meaning of stay on your own side of the street.  I have spent oodles of time teaching them to stop focusing on what others are doing because it keeps them from focusing on themselves.  If they need to voice a concern or complaint, do it, and then move back to your side of the street.  Learning to be responsible for their own emotions, behaviors, and thoughts only happens when they are not overly responsible for those of others.

 

And while it may conflict, I admit that I have done a second thing:  I have appointed my Entertainer daughter to be my eyes and ears on social media.  Sue me.  I am a single mom and I can’t do it all.

 

Here are some other Entertainer tongue problems:

 

  • Entertainers are fixers, providing unsolicited advice to anyone in earshot.  They need to understand that they must first have permission to share their gift of wisdom.

 

  • Entertainers are loud talkers.  That is their inside voice.  You can say  “Shhhhhhh!” all you like but the volume always returns.  Entertainers need to realize that their enthusiasm may make the Spectators and the Planners in their lives really uncomfortable, especially if they are your children, so tap into the Entertainer’s love for people, in order to motivate them to make a volume adjustment.

 

  • Entertainers are over-talkers who interrupt or talk too much.  Explain that others can feel ignored when there is no time for them to share.  Entertainers, use your enthusiasm to gently invite the quieter gals to share.  Be their advocate, but respect their desire to remain quiet.  See my blog, Frequent Interruptor, http://daleskram.com/?p=205.  And remember that the apostle Peter, at one time an impulsive talker, became one of God’s most effective voices after the Holy Spirit came upon him.

 

Entertainers really struggle with focus.  They are wiggly.  They may have ADHD or they may just seem like it.  When asked what animal was most like her, my Entertainer daughter replied, “A squirrel.”  That kiddo is so smart.

 

I remember attempting to teach my kids “sit time” when they were three or four years old.  The hope was that with a little training, my girls would be able to sit in church or while waiting at their sister’s activities and read or color.  Oh Please!  This exercise is for Planner or Spectator children who love to sit.  This never worked with my girls and I usually found them under the bleachers eating some random Skittles that had fallen to the floor.  The answer here is to put your Entertainers in the nursery, or get a babysitter, or buy one of those child leashes (not really).  Better yet get them out and take a walk, ride a bike, anything to burn off the restless energy.  Keep them moving.

On the bright side, my teenage Entertainers do sit and they even read, and they didn’t come down with the plague from snacking on food off the floor.

 

If you are an Entertainer MOM, you will bring a ton of fun and energy into the lives of your children but you will need to be careful about being permissive and allowing your children to get away with all kinds of stuff.  You need to set and hold healthy boundaries even though its not fun.  You will need to say NO to your kiddos sometimes, many times, and they won’t like it.  The truth is that you won’t always be liked by your children and as a lover of people and one who needs a hefty dose of approval and attention, that is a hard pill to swallow.  So surround yourself with friends that will love and accept you when your children don’t.

 

Another temptation for an Entertainer MOM is to rush your kiddos to happy.  You cannot stand ugly emotions or too much sadness because you want life to be fun.  But, there is a time to weep and mourn and be angry.  You cannot live in the shallow end of the pool your whole life.  Make sure that you pause to recognize the feelings that your child is experiencing and validate them.  Emotions don’t dissipate by ignoring them.  They dissolve when kids talk about them and feel understood.

 

If you are the parent of an Entertainer, try to make everything in life fun, or at least appear to be fun.  Put on some upbeat music and show them how fun it is to empty the dishwasher or clean a toilet.  Let your child have an active social life.  Plan lots of playdates or outings where they can interact with other children.  And lavish them with praise.  This temperament needs to hear you tell them what they did right.  Make sure they know that you see them, love them, and value them every chance you get.  And remind them that God feels the same way too.

 

If you want to discover your own temperament and how to develop your own strengths to live the life that God has given you, contact me at real.life.coaching, dwskram@comcast.net.  I’d love to help you thrive as your authentic self.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did I Just Say That Out Loud?

Posted on 10/14/14 by DaleWilsher 4 Comments

studio-shot-youngWhen my daughter, Caroline, was a wee 4 years old she accompanied me on a shopping trip to Walmart.  As we entered the store I found a cart that didn’t seem to have alignment problems (what in the world are people doing to those carts?) and placed her in the child seat facing me.   We tooled around the store picking up light bulbs, printer ink, Polly Pockets, socks, and everything on my grocery list.  As a multi-tasker I love a super store like Walmart where I can buy hardware, software, and underwear all in the same place, but as a mom I realize that covering the surface area equivalent to a football field wears my kiddos out.  And when my kiddos are worn out, they don’t always do or say the greatest stuff.  This was one of those days.

 

When we finally wheeled up to the checkout line Caroline was melting down, whining about the kids seat and begging for skittles like a crack addict jonesing for a hit.  I unloaded all the goods onto the conveyor belt amidst more whining and prayed for patience as I moved up in line.  And then all of the sudden, my child became completely still and silent.  Let me repeat that.  My child became completely still and silent.  This is what us moms call a m-i-r-a-c-l-e.  God had heard my cries!  I was so thankful for the relief that I didn’t even noticed why she was so quiet.  And then I thought “Oh my gosh, she might be choking” (mom miracles don’t usually last too long) so I quickly turned back to check on her, ready to hoist her from the cart and administer the Heimlich maneuver but instead I found her breathing normally and staring intently at the check out guy.  She was enthralled with this man.  Nomally four year olds aren’t that into service workers so as I pushed the cart up to the register I glanced at him.  “Hmmm, he looks unusual,” I thought, “but I can’t quite put my finger on it.”  It was then that Caroline, my sweet worn out child, looked me straight in the face and declared “Mama, he looks like a monkey.”  She did not just say that out loud, did she?  Oh my Gosh!  I peeked at the check out man in horror because the fruit of my womb had just called him a monkey AND because Caroline was right, he did look just like a monkey.  I mumbled an apology, grabbed our groceries, and wheeled out of there as fast as possible.   On the way out the door I realized that Caroline is a Sanguine.

 

The Popular Sanguine, aka Entertainer, aka Promoter, aka Monkey (apparently it takes one to know one) are all talkers.  I have a bunch of Entertainers at my house.  My youngest, Ansley, is one.  This is the speaking order at the dinner table:  Ansley, Dale, Ansley, Ansley, Casey, Ansley, Savannah, Ansley, Ansley, Ansley.  Entertainers will talk to anyone anywhere:  the dog, the postman, total strangers, you name it, all they need is an audience.  They tell people anything.  They will share about their finances, their weight, and their issues.  They are open and honest (most of the time, sometimes they embellish just a teensy bit) and always embarrass their Melancholy spouses.

 

Entertainers like things to be done the happy way.  Proverbs 15:15 “All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.”  Their world is all sunshine and roses, even if they have to pretend to live there.  If you ask them how they are doing, they will say GREAT! and mean it.  You will too due to their optimistic spirit and outgoing way.

 

Entertainers are carefree and full of hope.  They have a childlike faith and trusting heart.  They naturally give and receive grace more than truth.  Sanguines are emotional.  They cry at Hallmark commercials and Stuart Little.  Entertainers are really funny and have a great sense of humor.  They have an abundance of energy and enthusiasm.

 

They are touchy-feely.  Entertainers are the huggers.  During lunchtime at Chick-Fil-A one day, I let my two youngers go it alone in the play area while I ordered lunch.  Yes, they were old enough and No, no one who looked like a serial killer was sitting back there.  I don’t think serial killers have the patience to endure the close quarters and screaming in the Chick-Fil-A play area.  I went back to check on them a few minutes later and found Ansley velcroed to the chest of one of the dads, who was staring straight at me wide eyed and mystified.  He had no idea what to do because her affections were unsolicited and he did not want to appear as though he was a child predator, so he kept his arms held wide while she hugged away.  After I peeled her off of him, we agreed that I had some work to do before the teenage years.

 

The great desire of Entertainers is to have fun.  These are the people who buy boats and jet skis.  They wear big jewelry, and brightly colored clothes.  They read fun magazines like Glamour, People, and In Style.  They are charming social butterflies who tell interesting stories.  Entertainers plan and enjoy parties of all kinds.  “Celebrate God. Sing together — everyone! All you honest hearts, raise the roof!” (Psalm 32:11 MSG)  They love to celebrate, but when the fun goes away they get sad and eat.  Many of the contestants on The Biggest Loser are Entertainers.

 

Sanugines have lots and lots of friends and quantity usually wins over quality.  I was lamenting to a Sanguine that one of my sanguine daughters had a large network of friends but her relationships seemed shallow.  I said that I wanted her to find some friends that she could dig in with, and this Sanguine asked “Is that really necessary?”  Quantity over quality.  Sanguines love, love, love people and most of their memories are of people, not places or things.  The most horrible punishment you could ever give an Entertainer is to make them spend time in their room ALONE.  Entertainers want to be liked and can fall into the people-pleasing trap more easily than any other temperaments.

 

Entertainers make great evangelists, salesman, marketing majors, sorority girls, and youth ministry leaders.  One of the most famous Biblical Entertainers was the apostle Peter.  He was very dramatic, often speaking up for the rest of the disciples. Sometimes he spoke before thinking. One moment, in front of the crowd, he promises to never forsake Christ. A while later he denied even knowing the Lord.  Entertainers aren’t too good at follow-through.  We see Peter’s energy and impulsivity when he jumped out on the water with Jesus, when her cut off the soldier’s ear and when he wanted to build three tabernacles at the transfiguration.  He loved his friends and would do anything for them.

 

Other famous Entertainers who like to have fun are Bill Clinton, Goldie Hawn, Cameron Diaz, Rachel Ray, Jessica Simpson, Kelly Ripa, and Kim Kardashian.

 

Who do you know that is an Entertainer?  How does their honesty, their joy, their humor, their enthusiasm, their energy, and their love for people enrich your life?

 

If you would like Dale to speak to your group about the Four Personality Types, contact her at DWSkram@comcast.net.  If you would like to discover your unique temperament blend and how to use your strengths to meet your goals, contact Dale at real.life.coaching.

 

 

 

 

 

The Spectator aka The Chillaxer

Posted on 09/29/14 by DaleWilsher No Comments

spectatorToday I will finish up the two-part description on the Peaceful Phlegmatic, also known as the Spectator.

 

To review, since it’s taken me sooooo long to post this second blog, the Spectator is the sweet, kind, quiet, friendly woman that we all know and love.  There is just not a bad thing to say about the Spectator because she is so easy to get along with.  She is peaceful, shy, infinitely patient, content, and ever so pleasant.  She is the female Frodo from Lord of the Rings, the female Clark Kent from Superman, and Mother Theresa all wrapped up into one.  Because she is so diplomatic, Spectators are the glue that hold groups, families, and relationships together.   We all need Spectators in our life.

 

Just as every temperament has both strengths and weaknesses, the Spectator can become isolated, feel invisible, and live passively if her flaws are not addressed.

 

To start Spectators are watchers so they do not get involved in activities, conversations, or causes.  They just don’t care which makes them lazy at times.  If given the choice, they would spend all their time watching TV and taking naps.  (Which actually sounds really good right now.)  Anyhoo, Spectators do have a real need for peace and quiet so make sure they get some time away from the action each and everyday.   However there is a fine line for the Spectator between rest and laziness.  Here’s how this can play out at dinnertime:

Non-Spectator Q:  Where do you want to go to dinner? 

Spectator A:  I don’t know. 

 

Non-Spectator Q:  Are you hungry for anything in particular?

Spectator A:  Nope.

 

Non-Spectator Q:  How about Mexican?

Spectator A:  Whatever.

 

And they mean it.  It’s enough to make others lose their appetite.

 

Tip #1:  Practice making decisions.  Pick the dinner location.  Choose the movie.  Speak up in a group discussion.  Find a cause that interests you and find one way to get involved.  If you are parenting a Spectator, encourage them to try all of these AND do not criticize their choices.

 

Spectators are unemotional and just don’t get excited by much which can really suck the enthusiasm right out of a room.  After many, many attempts at sharing my “great news” with a Spectator and receiving lukewarm responses, I learned to take my celebrations to an Entertainer, aka the Popular Sanguine.   They always throw a party for good news.

 

Tip #2:  If you are a Spectator try to match the energy of those who bring you good news.  If they are smiling, smile back.  If they are jumping around the room, stand and clap.  If they are dancing, join in and let them lead you around the room in circles.  You don’t have to go over the top, just join in so that you won’t live isolated from the joys of life.

 

 

Spectators are procrastinators.  Procrastination is their main form of control.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the Powerful Choleric/Activator has the market on control because the Spectator is masterful in getting his way too.  Instead of forcing others to do something for them, the Spectator will wait it out until someone else gets so sick of the delay that they do the work for them.  Brilliant.  This strategy allows the Spectator to chillax and live an easy-breezy life without much responsibility.

 

Tip #3:  Make your Yes, Yes and your No, No.  Matthew 5:37.  Many times the Spectator agrees to do something that she never wanted to do in the first place.  She said Yes when she meant No and, big surprise, it never happened.  When we constantly drop the ball, we need to evaluate whether we ever really wanted to do something in the first place.

 

If you are raising a Spectator, DON’T DO THEIR WORK FOR THEM.  Teach them to take responsibility.  If they have work that needs to be done, set a time limit on the job with a consequence if the work doesn’t happen. Losing toys, privileges or being fined for not completing work can be pretty motivating even to a procrastinator.  And check their chores because my experience is that our sweet Spectators will do anything, including lie, to get out of work.

 

If we do the work for the Spectators in our life, we will become resentful and angry.  That’s not a fun way to live.  And if we do the work, we are teaching those Spectators that we don’t think they are capable or competent to get things done.  That’s demeaning.  Respect your Spectators enough to believe that they can do it.  And then leave the room, so you don’t make a nasty comment or do it for them.

Spectators are unmotivated.  They are not goal oriented.  If this is your child, their teacher will never check the box for “Seeks learning challenges independently” on their report card.  One plus to this weakness is that the Spectator is unusually gifted in finding the path of least resistance, so if given some time, they can teach you how to complete many of your tasks in the easiest way possible.

 

Tip #4  To Motivate the Spectator in your Life (including yourself) do these things:

 

  1. Take the time to make a list of goals.  Everyone has a dream, desire or a goal.  Write it down on paper.
  2. Make it a positive goal.  State what you will do instead of what you won’t do.
  3. Make your goal public.  Tell someone.  Post it on FB.
  4. Create a reward (fancy dinner, pair of shoes, pedicure, etc) for reaching your goal or the steps in-between.
  5. Set SMART goals.  Make sure your goal is specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-specific.  Becoming more calm is not a SMART goal.
  6. 6.     Be aware of the voice of your inner critic and what it says about your goal.  (ie.  “you’ll never finish”, “you’re too stupid, lazy, fat, etc.”)
  7. 7.     Replace that negative statement with a positive affirmation (“I will finish this.  I am strong enough to do this.  I can make a change.”)

 

Finally Spectators are conflict avoiders.  The main desire of this temperament is PEACE so anything that threatens peace is avoided. Spectator moms be careful here.  If you avoid conflict, hard conversations or communication in general with your kiddos, they may start to believe that you don’t care for them.  They may start to feel neglected.  Make sure that you are engaging.  See my Blog, Teaching our Children to be Peacemakers.

 

Qualities such as kindness, adaptability and obedience make Spectators the easiest children to raise AND the easiest to overlook.  They are not out leading the masses, talking incessantly or doing creative work and so they can be easily ignored.

 

From the childrens’ book, The Invisible Boy  “Can you see Brian, the invisible boy?  Even Mrs. Carlotti has trouble noticing him in her classroom.  She’s too busy dealing with Nathan and Sophie.  Nathan has problems with what Mrs. Carlotti calls “volume control.”  He uses his outside voice inside too much.  Sophie whines and complains when she doesn’t get her way.  Nathan and Sophie take up a lot of space.  Brian doesn’t. “

 

 

This is why the most important emotional needs of a Spectator are respect and self-worth.  Spectators need to know that you SEE them, VALUE them, and APPRECIATE them.  They are “God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works; which God prepared in advance for them to do.”  Ephesians 2:10.  Remind them of this all the time.

 

 

In two weeks we will look at the strengths of the Entertainer, the Popular Sanguine.

 

In the meantime, if you would like to determine what your true temperament is and how God can use your strengths and weaknesses to accomplish His purposes in your life, please contact me at real.life.coaching for a free assessment.

Email:   dwskram@comcast.net

Website:  daleskram.com

Cell:  720-233-5058

 

 

 

The Powerful Choleric Part 2

Posted on 08/08/14 by DaleWilsher 2 Comments

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A few years ago I was struggling with a less than fulfilling relationship with God that seemed dry and distant.  As a Choleric I can work really hard for God but miss the personal connection. One day as I was answering a question in my Bible study homework, I had an epiphany.  David Rock in Your Brain at Work, would call this an insight.  “The insight experience is characterized by a lack of logical progression to the solution, but instead a sudden “knowing” regarding the answer.”   Insights only happen when you can turn off the prefrontal cortex of your brain, the part of my brain that I, and most Cholerics, live in most of the time.

 

Anyhoo, I realized that when I prayed, most of my words to God were requests for action.  “Help me love that unlovable person because she is really driving me crazy.  Give me patience with my daughter so I won’t say or do things I will probably regret.  Provide for our family so our kiddos can go to college.  Yada Yada Yada.”  This focus on action can keep us Cholerics from experiencing deeper connection with God since we never stop to ask God what He wants to say to us.  Why talk when you can act?  Right?  Except that action without communication is lonely and we can buy into the lie that God judges us on our performance just as we can judge others by what they do rather than who they are.  If you are a Choleric, start asking God what He wants to say to you, instead of do for you and start noticing people for who they are rather than what they do.  It will revolutionize your Christian life.

 

Cholerics tend to be unemotional and harsh around others.  I just received some feedback on my personality that used the word strident.  Ouch!  And even though we may not show it and hate to admit it, Cholerics still have needs.  The emotional needs of a Choleric are appreciation and achievement, so recognize the achievements of a Choleric and thank them for it.  If you are Choleric celebrate your accomplishments before moving on to your next action item.  Make sure that you have reasonable goals and are working toward them because incomplete projects and piles of unfinished business will drain your energy quickly.  God created you with a drive and the energy to get things done.  It’s one of the blessings that you can offer your employer, your family, your committee, or your kiddos. 

 

Speaking of kiddos, Cholerics make great moms due to their optimistic leadership and confident authority.  They never have to take a class in organization because that talent just comes naturally.  On the downside Choleric moms can have high expectations for their children and focus too much on work.  My kiddos have so many chores that they feel like farm people so I have to watch my tendency to keep them busy checking things off the to-do list.  I also have to slow myself down to allow them to learn how to do things on their own.  When Casey learned how to sort the laundry into darks, whites and pinks (that may just be us) she wasn’t too good at it.  One day I found a bunch of dark tights in the white pile and pink undies in the darks.  Yikes!  The Choleric in me wanted to go fix it immediately because we thrive on righting wrongs but a still small voice whispered “Don’t crush her spirit” and so, in a particularly good moment, I let it go and Casey ran out to play.  Choleric tip:  I did sneak back into the laundry room later when no one was looking and fixed it.  Laundry disaster averted and many years later Casey is still a competent and confident laundry sorter.

 

One of our biggest weaknesses as Choleric moms is our temper.  We can get really angry with the fruit of our womb.  A couple things are helpful here:

1.  See your anger as an indicator that you need to set a limit.  Most of the times we get angry with the children, it is because we have let things go too far.  In a time of non-conflict sit down and think about a boundary that you can set in advance that will keep you from escalating.  A great resource is Boundaries with Kids by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.

2.  Anger is a secondary emotion covering another emotion, usually one much more vulnerable like hurt or loneliness or helplessness.  That is actually the tender place that you need to explore, confess, and heal to avoid future outbursts.

 

If you are raising a Choleric child, God bless you.  In addition to their extroverted, high achieving, bright and energetic spirit, they are wonderfully demanding, bossy, strong-willed, disrespectful and refuse to admit when they are wrong.  My oldest daughter is a Choleric and once when she disobeyed me, instead of confessing her sin, she cleaned the whole kitchen to even the score.  I was thrilled about the kitchen, but all I wanted for her and me was an apology.

 

Choleric kiddos will drag you into power struggles on a daily basis.  My wusband used to watch my Choleric daughter and I go at it and call it “Dale vs. Dale.”   Although they will try to steal your authority, deep down they don’t want to be in charge at home.  Your Choleric child needs to know that they are not the strongest one in the house.  They will constantly test your authority so they can feel safe and sound in your care.  It does help if you can find appropriate ways for your Choleric child to be in charge.  Let them organize the crayons, set the table, or feed the dog.  They thrive on responsibility.  If you put them in charge of younger siblings, watch them because they can become tyrants.  Just as “a prophet is honored everywhere except his hometown” (Matthew 13:57) so to a Choleric is rarely honored in his own home, maybe for good reason.

 

The Choleric child’s motto is MY WAY and they will constantly seek to get their way.  From Personality Plus for Parents by Florence Littauer

“A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Choleric Kevin and Phlegmatic Phil.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake, so their mother decided to teach them a moral lesson.  “If Jesus was sitting here, he’d say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake.  I can wait.’”

Choleric Kevin turned to his brother and quickly directed, “Phil, you be Jesus.”

 

Your Choleric child will probably not be very popular because of their desire to be in charge of their friends.  And while Cholerics can struggle in elementary and especially middle school, if you help them soften their weaknesses, they make great adults.  Cholerics have the courage and the drive to change our world if we don’t shame them for their qualities as children.  Let them know that they are popular with you.

 

Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

If you would like help with your Choleric weaknesses or parenting a Choleric child, contact me at real.life.coaching (dwskram@comcast.net) for a free 30 minute inquiry call.

I am a Lion, Hear me Roar

Posted on 07/23/14 by DaleWilsher 8 Comments

566V532175Back in 1995 I found myself sitting next to Wintley Phipps on a business trip to Orlando.   Wintley is a gospel singer, author and minister.  He has performed for six U.S. presidents at the National Prayer Breakfasts, as well as at the Democratic National Convention, on the Oprah Winfrey show, Saturday Night Live, and my personal favorite, Soul Train.

 

Check out his version of Amazing Grace at the National Prayer Breakfast with Barak Obama in 2009 at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_7043fg1ag.    Moving.

 

Anyhoo, Wintley and I chatted through most of the flight and right as the plane was landing he said, “I have a word from the Lord for you.”  A word from the Lord, hmmm, what the heck is that?  But ok, hit me.  He took a deep breath and in his booming baritone voice he stated, ”Bold.  Be bold.”  That’s it?  Were there any more words from the Lord?  Be bold how?  Be bold where?  We deplaned and went our separate ways and at the time I really wasn’t feeling too bold.

 

I’ve often thought about that moment and how the word bold fits into my life.  I’ve come to believe that God was validating my personality type because Cholerics are gutsy.  We take risks.  We are, by nature, bold.  It was like God Himself was saying Dale, I want you to GO BE YOU.”  Permission to be me is an inspiring thing.

 

When Hippocrates, the Greek physician, first postulated his theory of the four temperaments back in 400bc, he based it on the bodily fluids of bile, blood and phlegm.  Hippocrates believed that a surplus of one of these fluids in the body affected human behavior.  So according to Dr. Hippocrates, a Choleric has an abundance of yellow bile, a Melancholy has more black bile, a Sanguine has lots of blood and a Phlegmatic is highly phlegmy.  Nice.  Over time the bodily fluid theory was disproven but the names remain to describe the differences in temperament.

 

Cholerics are the bosses, chairwomen, PTA presidents, directors and leaders of our world.  They are strong and powerful.  They can run anything.  They are confident, decisive and organized.  Think Oprah, Queen Latifah, Margaret Thatcher, Barbara Walters, Tyra Banks, Biblical Martha & Deborah, and Kris (Mama) Kardashian.  They are practical and logical.  Logic was the only college course that I received a final score of 100%.

 

Cholerics are doers, achievers, and activators.  They get stuff done and lead very productive lives.  Their motto is All Action and No Talk.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that one of my love languages is Acts of Service (www.5lovelanguages.com).  Doing things for others is how I love them and others doing things for me is how I feel loved.

 

 “How do you do it all?”

 

is a line Cholerics hear all the time because DOING is their life.  Sitting at my daughters’ softball games weekend after weekend I am always asking myself “How can I make this a productive use of my time besides supporting my kids and cheering them on?”   So while the team warms up I do work in the car.  In between innings I read a book.  And on the drive to those exotic locations like Loveland and Aurora, I listen to coaching podcasts.  I love multi-tasking.

 

I used to think that question (How do you do it all?) was the highest compliment that someone could give me until I realized that being admired and appreciated is not the same thing as being connected.  Cholerics can do that:  sacrifice relationship for task simply because they don’t need people as much as the other temperaments do.  They are like the pioneers who settled the American West, rugged individualists, so I constantly have to watch my tendency to be independent and self-sufficient by admitting my needs and asking for help.

 

According to the DISC profile, another personality system, only 10-15% of the population is Choleric.  And other article I read said that most of them are men.  Well, no wonder I don’t always feel comfortable in my temperamental skin.  I am a bit of a rarity.  I used to think something was wrong with me because I felt and acted different from others, but what if I am just unique?  A verse that I read the other day comes to mind:

 

“Therefore come out from them and be separate.”  2 Corinthians 6:17.

 

Be separate…and not in some weird reclusive sort of way…but in a manner that allows me to stand tall, stay bold, and enjoy my God-given personality.

When my wusband and I separated on our 23rd wedding anniversary at the end of 2012, I was in shock.  Plan A had always been to work on my marriage and work on myself.  I never anticipated a Plan B.  The first five months were brutal as I experienced a range of emotions, a whole lot of shame for not being able to make my marriage work, and a crisis of identity.  I stayed close to God, my dear friends and family, and wise mentors who helped me process, grieve, and explore my heart.   I did not feel bold at that time.

But I am in a different place now.  I survived the separation and the divorce and most of the shame has melted away.  I bought a smaller car and refinanced my house.  I updated my resume after 18 years.  I know everything there is to know about my finances.  I am building my speaking ministry.  I will speak to more groups this year than ever before.   I am finishing my certification as a professional life coach and to date  I have thirteen wonderful coaching clients.  I am paying my bills.  I am cutting my own grass.  I am  cooking dinner for my kiddos most nights.  I am exercising a little less frequently than I make dinner, but that’s ok.  I am surviving more legal fallout from the divorce.  I am still meeting with Jesus each morning.  I am loving and driving my children all over town.

 

I am optimistic and moving forward.

 

And I am going to make it.

 

I would not have been able to do any of these things without my BOLD Choleric personality.  I have never been so thankful for my energy, my strength, my organization, my decisiveness, myindependence and my courage.  Just as Mordecai penned these words to Ester in Ester 4:14:

 

“Maybe you were made queen for just such a time as this.”

 

Maybe I was made Choleric for such a time as this.  And maybe you were uniquely designed as your temperament with purpose and intention so you could live your life to the fullest.  Just sit with that for a moment.

 

If you were sitting next to Wintley Phipps today, what word from the Lord might he give you?

 

Next time I will talk more about the weaknesses and emotional needs of the Choleric temperament.  I will describe the Choleric in the roles of mom and child.  They are the reason that people write books on the strong-willed child.

 

If you would like to discover your unique personality blend and learn how to live out of your strengths more than your weaknesses, contact me at dwskram@comcast.net or check out real.life.coaching on my website, www.daleskram.com.  I offer a free 30 minute consultation to find out if coaching is the right fit for you.