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Real.Life.Relationship Check-Up

Posted on 05/01/17 by Dale Wilsher No Comments
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How’d you score on last week’s Personal Growth quiz? Take it here, if you haven’t already.

To be honest, most of us don’t score very high.  In a world that is chaotic, confusing, and overwhelming, it’s not easy to live intentionally and with great clarity.  Not many of know what our strengths are although we are certain of our weaknesses.  I have yet to meet a person that is free from their inner critic voice.  And almost every one of my clients has wanted help understanding their mission and purpose.  Research shows that at least 60% of Christians don’t know their purpose or their calling.  In my experience that number is much higher.

If you are feeling brave and curious, check out the next section of the

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to determine the quality of your Relational life.

 

Friendships

  • I rarely over-apologize, share TMI, or people-please.
  • I don’t believe I need to be all things to all people.
  • My friendships are characterized by mutual respect, mutual sharing, and mutual need.
  • I am able to say NO easily.

Spouse/Significant Other

  • I feel fondness and admiration for my spouse.
  • My spouse and I are aware of and encourage each other’s strengths, needs, and values although they are different from our own.
  • We encourage each other’s emotional and spiritual growth.
  • We are growing closer everyday.

Children

  • I feel adequate, supported and equipped as a parent.
  • I have a vision for my children’s future.
  • I understand my children’s unique personality and emotional needs.

Family of Origin

  • I am at a healthy place with my family of origin.
  • I can and do honor my parents.
  • I have forgiven any past acts.
  • I don’t blame my family for my issues or problems today.

 

If you answered Yes to all 15 questions, you are living the abundant life!

If you answered Yes to 11-14 questions, you are living a full life but not all of your potential has been realized.

If you answered Yes to 6-10 questions, you are surviving more than thriving.

If you answered Yes to 0-5 questions, God has so much more to offer you.

 

A life that is whole, full, abundant, and intentional does not come without some work.  Without work, we drift.  DriftingThe 2nd law of thermodynamics states that entropy will increase over time.  That means that without intervention, our lives will drift into disorder.  Don’t let that happen to your life and the purposes that God has called you to.  You’ve been created to glorify Him as you reflect your slice of His image.

Get intentional.  If your score is not as high as you’d like, reach out for help to someone who can guide you to a better place.  Envision what you’d like to accomplish.  If you consider yourself a people-pleaser, spend time defining what you’d like to be instead.  Would you rather be a God-pleaser?  Make a choice to think of the possibilities instead of the past.  Your brain cannot look at the problem AND the solution at the same time, so get active and look toward your goal.

If you would like to find out how life coaching can help you with your personal or relational goals, complete this form for a free 30 minute phone session.

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My New Old Name

Posted on 09/23/16 by Dale Wilsher 6 Comments
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Did you get married?

 

That’s the question one of my former clients asked me today when she saw my name change on Facebook.

 

The answer is No. I didn’t get married.

 

Instead I’m continuing my family legacy, going back to my southern roots and returning to my maiden name, Wilsher.

 

For the first 23 years of my life my name was Dale Wilsher (check out the bell in those bottoms)

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and now at age 50, I am Dale Wilsher once again.

 

My daughters are all in favor of the change and I am ready for it too.

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You see, for me, even though our Wilsher family has a rich heritage, I no longer let my name define me as it once did. It is a continuation of our family legacy and yet my identity is in Christ.

 

Years ago I struggled with my first name, Dale. Frankly it was masculine (if I have to hear one more person tell me about their Uncle Dale…) and a little depressing. Dale means valley and that’s a low place to be. I’d think of the valley of the shadow of death that David walked through. Notice that he wasn’t skipping through the valley of hope and good cheer, no, it was as one translation put it, deep and sunless. Nice, huh?

 

But then one day I read a devotion about a valley. It described the valley as the greenest place on Earth because that is the place into which all the water and nutrients would flow. The valley is the place of the richest growth.

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That is the first time I had ever heard of Dale meaning something positive. I latched on to it. My name became a symbol of my love and God’s love for growth and development, instead of a sign of hardship and tragedy. And all of the sudden my name didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t define me for good or for evil. It wasn’t my label and it wasn’t my identity. It’s just what you call me to get my attention.

 

So from now on, I will be known as Dale Wilsher.

 

Do you have a story to share about your name?

 

Overcoming Procrastination as a Parent

Posted on 05/04/16 by DaleWilsher No Comments
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UnknownDo you ever put things off?

Avoid hard discussions?

Delay your responsibilities?

 

Even though we don’t want to, we all procrastinate at one time or another because we are either tired, distracted, busy or all of the above. Sometimes we are just plain lazy. Parenting is hard and requires great effort that we can’t always muster up, but the Bible has strong words for us about procrastination in James 4:17 when he warns “Anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.”

Read more about the reasons for procrastination and the strategies that can help at http://www.1corinthians13parenting.com/overcoming-procrastination-parent/

Listen to Channel Mom tomorrow!

Posted on 12/10/15 by DaleWilsher 1 Comment
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Hi everyone!  If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of Christmas, check out my interview on the Channel Mom radio show on Friday, Dec. 11th @ 1PM & Sat. Dec. 12th @ 7AM & 2:30PM on KRKS, FM 94.7.

 

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We talk about the voices of Christmas past, present, and future that create a picture of the holiday season we SHOULD have and how to choose the Christmas that God wants.

Merry Christmas!!!

Looking for a Fall Getaway?

Posted on 08/26/15 by DaleWilsher 1 Comment

Hi everyone!

Usually when I speak it’s for a select audience ie. a specific church or a specific MOPS group, and they provide the guest list.  But in a couple of months I will be speaking at a women’s event, the Women of Worship 2015 Fall Retreat, up in beautiful Estes Park that is open to all AND YOU ARE INVITED.

The theme for the weekend will be SET APART, Living for Christ, and will be filled with learning, laughter, fun, girl time, worship and solitude with the Lord.  The WOW worship retreat will be filled with  personal moments sure to send every attendee home changed and seeking deeper intimacy with Christ.

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I will be sharing the stage with Kathy Cordell
Here’s a little bit about our theme, Set Apart:  These two friends are not afraid to share a bold, vulnerable and very real message based on Scripture.  Dale and Kathy will share teaching time that will focus on the tension we all feel as Christ followers – having one foot firmly planted in eternity while living on earth.  How do we live out being unique while seeking to belong?  What does it mean to bask in being ‘different’ while being relevent to a world seeking to ‘fit in’?  How do we walk this daily life in the anointing of the Lord, consecrated and set apart to show Jesus to the world?  The message of this retreat will be relatable to all ages and religious backgrounds, and our hope is for women to come to a better understanding of their individual calling.
So grab a girlfriend or two and join us!!! Sign up by September 15.
October 23-25, 2015
YMCA of the Rockies, Estes Park
Registration information:  http://fullspectrumpr.com/wow.htm
Hope to see you there!

The Peaceful Phlegmatic: Watch & Listen

Posted on 08/26/14 by DaleWilsher No Comments

good-listener-statueWhat do a golden retriever, Charlie Brown, and Obi-wan Kenobi have in common?

 

They are all Peaceful Phlegmatics-the nice guys and girls and dogs.  They are supportive, friendly and loyal.  They are steady, considerate and solid.  They are introverted and private, but thoughtful and caring.

 

Peaceful Phlegmatics are also known as the Watchers.  When asked if they want to participate in an activity you may hear my daughter’s favorite phrase, “I’m going to take a hard pass” because they would rather watch than do.  Of course they would say it very nicely.  While the Choleric is a Doer, the Sanguine is a Talker, and the Melancholy is a Thinker, Phlegmatics prefer to hang back and observe.

 

One of my favorite memories with my mom was a trip to the mall around Christmas time when I was in high school.  We had stopped into the food court for a snack and decided to do some people watching since all of our shopping was complete.  With pretzel in hand we sat on a bench watching the hustle and bustle of shoppers, but after two minutes we were bored.  As we stood to leave, a lone cricket attempting to cross holiday foot traffic from the Orange Julius to the Burger King caught our eye.  We looked at each other and sat right back down to watch.

 

The cricket jumped and landed in the path of oncoming traffic.  We held our breath.  It was safe but only for a moment.  We squealed when it jumped again.  My mom and I held hands as a sign of solidarity for our cricket and to keep our enthusiasm from embarrassing us.  This continued for several minutes I think, who knows when time slows down like that.  We watched and rooted for our cricket until it had made it all the way across the concourse.  When it touched the wall we shot out of our seats and cheered like our cricket had just won gold.  We hugged.  We high-fived.  We celebrated.  And then we sat back down.  Thirty seconds later we were bored again.

 

My mother got up off the bench and walked casually toward the cricket. Did she want to capture it and take it home with us?  Did she want to move it to safe pasture?  What in the world was she doing?  She placed her toe right next to our victor, turned to me, smiled and then…she kicked that cricket back out into the middle of traffic to keep the excitement alive.

 

As you can see my mother is awesome but we are really bad Phlegmatics.  We tried to be watchers but we got bored.  We were not relaxed, peaceful, or patient-hallmarks of a Phlegmatic life.  As Powerful Cholerics, my mom and I are the polar opposite of Peaceful Phlegmatics.  We do share a couple of traits, being strong-willed and unemotional, but in general Phlegmatics and Cholerics are totally different.  The same is true for Popular Sanguines and Perfect Melancholies.  We will get to them in future blogs.

 

When taking a personality assessment, keep in mind that while you can have a major temperament and a minor temperament blend, you cannot be opposite temperaments.  You cannot be a Choleric-Phlegmatic, but you can be a Choleric-Sanguine or a Choleric-Melancholy.  You cannot be a Melancholy-Sanguine, but you can be a Melancholy-Choleric or a Melancholy-Phlegmatic.

 

If your scores indicate an opposite blend, then you are masking a temperament.  Masking occurs when we take on the qualities of a temperament that are not our true personality.  This happens in families in which differing temperaments are not understood or appreciated.  This happens at work when our roles require skills different than our natural abilities.  This happens in relationships when we our desire to please others trumps our desire to live authentically.

 

“It takes effort to play a role that God never intended us to fill.”  Florence Littauer in The Personality Tree

 

Let’s say for example that you are a Perfect Melancholy but somewhere along the way you learned that life would be better if you were more pleasant and easy going like a Peaceful Phlegmatic.  This is easy for us gals to do because Phlegmatic traits tend to be culturally more feminine.  You try your best to be calm, cool and collected (classic Phlegmatic strengths) but those traits come out more like stubborn, lazy and fearful (classic Phlegmatic weaknesses).  Your personality assessment scores will reveal the mask when you have many more weaknesses than strengths of a particular temperament.

 

 

Becoming aware of a mask, removing it and living into your true personality is the start of living an authentic life.

 

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  John 8:32

 

If you find that you are wearing a temperamental mask, ask your closest friends or your spouse to define your strengths and weaknesses.  You may want to be an asker (like I did), but if you are really a teller (Ugh) then you need to own the true you.  Another way to find the true you is to answer the assessment questions as if you were a child.  Sometimes our most authentic self was revealed in our younger years before we started to adapt to the wishes of others.

 

Back to the Peaceful Phlegmatics….

 

Phlegmatics are easy going and laid back.  They are adaptable and go with the flow.  If you ask them if they want Chinese or Italian food, they will respond “whatever” and mean it.  Contentment comes naturally for them.  Life moves at a slow pace for the Peaceful Phlegmatic.  They walk a little slower than the average bear and everyday is a Sunday drive in the country.  While the Melancholies, Sanguines and Cholerics driving behind them are experiencing some degree of road rage, the Peaceful Phlegmatic remains unaffected and composed.   How nice for you.

Peaceful Phlegmatics are great team members because they are natural peace-keepers.  Every home with a contentious teenager could use a Phlegmatic parent’s calming influence to keep everyone out of jail.  In fact the Peaceful Phlegmatic’s main desire in life is peace, which allows them to mediate and avoid conflict.  Rodney King, a man whose beating ignited the LA riots back in 1991, summed it up well when he said, “People, I just want to say, can’t we all get along? Can’t we all get along?”  Phlegmatics will do anything to keep the peace.

 

Examples of  Phlegmatics are Tonto and Robin, and any other supportive side kicks that come to mind.  Timothy, the faithful companion to the apostle Paul, Abraham who peacefully separated with his cousin Lot when their land became crowded, Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, Mr. Rogers (who doesn’t like him?), Mother Theresa, Rosa Parks, Princess Diana, and Seinfeld’s Low Talker https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ziqc6uOIrZc who also happened to be the designer of the Puffy Shirt.

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Peaceful Phlegmatics are kind and quiet.  They love to help and support others.  Their accepting, non-judgmental nature and listening ears make them excellent therapists.  One of the great benefits of therapy with a Phlegmatic is the sense of being heard and feeling understood because they will never try to fix you or one-up your story like a Choleric would.  Phlegmatics also seems drawn to the field of education. Who else would have the patience required to run a preschool or to teach kindergarteners to read?

 

God created Peaceful Phlegmatics to bring peace, to care for His people, to love the least of these, to support and nuture his children, and to provide the kindness that leads to repentance.  If you are a Phlegmatic, thank you for the beauty you add to our world.

 

“For we are God’s workmanship; created in Christ Jesus to do good works; which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  Ephesians 2:10

 

If you think you might be masking a temperament other than your own, I would love to help you discover your authentic self.  Contact me at through real.life.coaching at DWSkram@comcast.net for a free 30 minute phone session to discuss your unique situation.